#ThailandTuesday: The Cost and Reward of Obedience, Pt. 2

Last week I wrote about my journey into youth ministry and how God led me to say goodbye to college ministry for the promise of something greater (for me). This week I want to talk about dealing with disappointment. I think it's one thing to have time to prepare for transition and choose to say goodbye to people, things, and dreams. That doesn't mean you might not grieve leaving them behind, but what about times when it feels like it is taken from you unexpectedly? You don't get the job you thought you were going to get, or get to do the thing you were really hoping to do, or something you love breaks unexpectedly or is lost,  or someone close to you gets sick all of a sudden with a life-threatening illness.

I want to acknowledge that I do not think I have experienced anything extremely traumatic in my life; what I have experienced, though, is disappointment. However, looking back, I can see how those moments of disappointment led me to even greater promises from God. Remember Joseph? He had dreams from God- literally. But before those dreams came true, God took him through a lot of disappointment. Life was not fair to Joseph. He was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery and then thrown into prison for something he didn't do. But in the end, he ended saving countless lives. God had a bigger plan.

Back when I was a sophomore and junior in college I was auditioning to be drum major in the band, auditioning to be a worship leader at the church I was going to at the time, and running for a particular office in my sorority. I felt so sure that I was going to get one of those things and I was going to be able to fulfill God's purpose in my life in that season and reach out to a lot of people. After the first "no," I thought, "That's OK! It'll be the next one then." It went on like that until I had received the news for all three- nothing. I was so disappointed. What was my purpose now? I felt like I had nothing to give since I was so sure my place of giving had to be in one of those places. I was also mad at God for letting me down.

The next year I almost didn't do the marching band, but I did. It was one of the only years I was not on the leadership team in the band. The year before I had been a section leader but this year I just decided to play the alto saxophone because that section looked fun. It was through that experience that I met a few people who would later become part of my first lifegroup at Antioch. One of my friends invited me to come to World Mandate and even surprised me by having his lifegroup pay for it. I was amazed by the generosity of strangers. I went to my first World Mandate in January of 2009 and I was hooked. I was amazed by the way people related to each other and worshiped God- it seemed so authentic and like something I was desperately missing and needing.

The next year I jumped into the college ministry and my life would never be the same. That year was the year I started to experience true freedom and community for the first time (another story for another post).

My College Lifegroup at Antioch

Since then I have had other disappointing moments. But I always look back at this one to say, God must have something better. I look back and think, if I had been drum major or become more involved at my other church by being a worship leader I probably would have never come to Antioch and I would probably not be experiencing the depth of relationship I have with God and others or be going to Thailand. Maybe I could... only God knows. But this is the way He chose to do it.

Some of my other major disappointing moments include:
*Trying to move to North Africa to join a long term team from Antioch. I felt peaceful about moving forward and after my interview they came to me and said, we feel like God is saying, "Not yet." That "not yet" led me to stay in Waco and get my Masters in Social Work. I would not be graduating in a month with my MSW if I had gone to North Africa.
*Going through the process of moving to India next year to work with International Justice Mission (IJM). I had prayed about it and gone through every step- application, initial interview, second interview. At the end of the process, they came back and said that they did not have a position for me. The very same day that I found out this news was the very same day I had a professor say to me, "Hey, what about teaching in Thailand? ...I have friends who run a school there."

There are other moments like these, but these stand out to me as moments when I felt completely lost and disappointed by the rejection. It made me feel insecure about my calling and gifts. But each time God would bring me back and show me how it really is not about my abilities and what other people think (several times through these experiences I thought, what must they think about me to say no?). It really is about Him.

Following and obeying Jesus has cost me my pride, image, and things I wanted to do in the moment. But the reward has been being able to see the goodness and faithfulness of God- He will get all the credit and all the glory and I trust Him to write the best story!

I hope this encourages you today. I don't know where you are at in life, what kind of disappointments you have faced. Mine might seem small in comparison to yours. But I think the heart of God is still the same. He cares, He really does. And He doesn't like to see us hurting, but He always sees the big picture.