And then I look at my blog and realize that I have not updated it in 7 months. Sure I've posted other things on social media and sent e-mails; but my blog hit the sidelines. I had great dreams for my blog. I had plans to update it frequently with stories and pictures and videos. But I kept putting it off.
Anyone ever find that dreaming is fun but the work to make it a reality can be really painful? I think that's why I like to start new things. I love the rush I feel when something new starts; but after a while it can start to feel hard or boring and I start thinking about starting something new again.
I wonder how Joseph felt when he had dreams and a beautiful coat and then got sold into slavery. Or David when he was anointed king and then had to spend years fleeing for his life.
If I'm honest, a lot of things I dreamed about for Thailand aren't what I thought they would be. I've only been here 7 months, but I already find myself thinking, "How long, Lord?"
There are days when I really miss my family, miss home, miss my church. How long, Lord?
There are days when I feel like an outsider. How long, Lord?
There are days when I feel like I can't connect with students the way I want to. How long, Lord?
There are days when I feel like what I'm doing doesn't really matter. How long, Lord?
There are days when I'm just tired of things not going right. How long, Lord?
There are days when I feel misunderstood. How long, Lord?
There are days when my heart breaks for people who haven't encountered Jesus. How long, Lord?
Over the last 7 months I have found myself over and over again praying, God, I want to see this thing, and this thing, and this thing happen. God, why am I struggling with this thing or this thing right now? God, why am I feeling this way or this way right now?
And in this season I have heard God whisper over and over again, "Do you really trust Me?" In this last season I re-read Hinds' Feet on High Places. There is this moment in Much-Afraid's journey where the Shepherd asks her, "Would you be willing to trust me even if everything in the wide world seemed to say that I was deceiving you-- indeed, that I had deceived you all along?" They dialogue for a while until Much-Afraid says, "My Lord-- if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you."
Oh the horror! To think that all these things that Much-Afraid had been promised would never come to pass. But with tears in her eyes she finally comes to the conclusion that it is really the Shepherd she wants. I will follow You and trust You if only to love You, because I cannot live without loving You.
Today we celebrated Easter. I have been thinking about Jesus and what He went through for us. Jesus is THE model of complete trust in who the Father is and what the Father does. He is also the model of suffering and deepest pain. He shows us what it means to trust the Father, even when it hurts because He has promised us LIFE!
I could write a blog and post a bunch of pictures of cool things I see God doing right now. And there are really cool things and I will share them. I am really thankful for many things that are happening right now. But I wanted to share a raw side as well. My friends, I want us to find encouragement together that He really is worth it!
This weekend I rediscovered my love of Steven Curtis Chapman. Several years ago his family experienced a tragedy when his young daughter was killed in an accident. Several of his songs since then have been written from a place of deep pain but sung with great hope in the promises of Jesus. I wanted to share some.
I hope you are encouraged!
